20 Rules for Times of Crisis

Author: Shiri Ben-Arzi, PHMC, MCC

 

A health/medical crisis holds two narratives:

1. A clinical narrative that addresses the question of WHAT.
   WHAT happened, WHAT has been done so far, and WHAT needs to be done from now on to fix the problem?
   This narrative is constructed from the outside and includes the medical information: medical history, diagnosis, prognosis, test results, prescriptions, pathophysiology, and treatment protocols.
2. A personal narrative that addresses the question of WHO.
   WHO is this person is experiencing this medical crisis?
   This narrative is constructed from the inside and includes the personal history (life story), beliefs, values, emotions, coping skills, trauma, loss, hope, and resilience.

 

In Health and Medical Coaching as well as in Caregiver Coaching, we focus on the personal narrative from two aspects:

• The narrative (the story) that has been constructed and is being told.
• The narrator (the storyteller) that communicates and expresses (verbally, emotionally, and behaviorally) the narrative.

 

Metaphors are important in constructing the personal narrative because metaphors help us understand and conceptualize new events and ideas by connecting them to familiar ones. This connection enables us to create an inner cognitive and emotional structure (some might call it a protocol or roadmap) that helps us process information, experiences, concepts, and emotions.

In short, metaphors help us simplify and clarify things we have no idea how to address.

There are three common types of metaphors used in the context of a medical crisis:

• War/combat/battle/struggle Metaphors
• Sports Metaphors
• Mechanical Metaphors

 

In this blog post, I present a 20-rule roadmap based on my many years of professional experience as a Health, Medical and Caregiver Coach as well as my personal experience living with a chronic illness and being a caregiver.

(I got the idea for the structure of these posts from my colleague Sasha Khazanov and the inspiration for the name from the book If Life is a Game, These are the Rules, by my good friend Dr. Cherie Carter-Scott)

 

The order of these rules is not important. Follow them in whichever order feels right for you.

 

Rule #1 –

Not every crisis is a trauma, but some are.

Trauma wounds our internal system, leaving us at a loss for words, unable to comprehend the current reality and make sense while also feeling scared, overwhelmed, shocked, resourceless, and helpless.

When facing trauma, every reaction is a normal response to an abnormal situation.

Whether it is one of the 6 F’s – Freeze, Flight, Fight, Faint, Fraternize, or Faun or an emotion such as fear, anxiety, sadness, grief, numbness, anger, despair, frustration, empathy, or compassion – it is all normal because the response to trauma is personal and subjective.

 

Rule #2 –

This is a time to be extra sensitive, tender, and compassionate with yourself.

Any form of judgment regarding your emotions, thoughts, behaviors, or coping strategies is counterproductive and toxic at this point.

Avoid comparing yourself to others. Everyone copes in their own way and to the best of their ability at any given time.  This is also true about comparing yourself now to yourself in the past.

Most trauma and crisis responses are automatic.

Remember two important things:

1. Your experience is personal.
2. Right now, you are doing your best with the available resources.

Sensitivity, tenderness, and compassion are important now.

 

Rule #3 –

The primary support protocol for a traumatic crisis (including a health or medical one) – is similar to the protocol for treating a broken bone:

1. Stabilize the place and keep it protected from additional shocks and injuries = address basic needs and identify additional stressors and triggers.
2. Provide the needed resources to allow healing = provide resources on physical, emotional, mental, and social levels to increase resilience and agility.
3. Provide support to the rest of the system =  address secondary needs and concerns like family, work, school, etc.
4. Be patient =  accept that people shift and move at their own pace.
5. Be kind and understanding = This means release judgment and attachment and embrace tenderness and compassion.

 

Rule #4 –

In times of extreme crisis, our nervous system becomes overloaded, locking the trauma inside the physical and emotional body.

Provide a controlled outlet through any emotional expression that feels possible. If that feels impossible, start moving the body using Emotional 1st Aid interventions.
When you feel ready and able, start giving words to what you have experienced (even if it feels there are no words or the words do not make sense).

This outlet will ensure emotional aspects of the experience are processed and released from your physical,  emotional, mental, and spiritual systems.

 

Rule #5 –

There is no timeline.

Crisis takes time and is not measured according to the time it takes to heal physically, but by the time it takes to regain and connect to resilience, balance, and self-regulation.

At this point, it is important to shift from a ‘sprint’ mindset to a ‘marathon’ mindset and start supporting the system.

Look around you. Who and what else needs to be supported so that you can overcome this crisis?
Your body? Your emotions? Your children? Your family?

Ensure the basic physical, emotional, and mental survival needs of your system and your support system are met.

Let go of any previous concept of a ‘proper’ timeline or ‘end date’ you might be holding.

It’s going to take as long as it takes.

Breathe.

 

Rule #6 –

Now is the time to return to the basic supportive actions and strategies.

Start with anything that is simple and accesable to you.

Breathing, moving, hugging, and praying are just a few eamples.

 

Rule #7 –

The preservation of life during the ‘marathon’ of an ongoing crisis starts with self-regulation.

Self-regulation includes:

• Grounding and providing an outlet for the nervous system. Make sure to practice daily grounding techniques (see my video on grounding techniques) and controlled outlets for your nervous system (through talking, crying, hugging, screaming, writing, moving, and anything else that provides an outlet for what is bottled inside)
• Pacing. Evaluate the pace at which you can move daily. Allow yourself to adjust it when needed. There will be days when you feel you can take leaps and others when you only take one baby step at a time. There is no right pace – only your pace at any given moment.
• Prioritizing. Give yourself permission to put aside things that can wait. Not everything that feels urgent really is. Evaluate your physical, mental, and emotional abilities and prioritize your actions and tasks accordingly.
• Focusing on what strengthens you. Whatever strengthens you is important, even if just doing the dishes, folding laundry, or going through paperwork. Often, it’s the mundane, ordinary, and ‘unimportant’ stuff that helps restore some sense of control amid the sea of chaos.

 

Rule #8 –

Allow yourself to feel whatever comes up. Emotions that are not acknowledged, expressed, or spoken become stress in the body.

Remember that there are no positive or negative emotions, only human emotions; every emotion has a context. In the context of a crisis – all emotions are normal reactions in an abnormal situation.

Be mindful of guilt; remember it is a normal emotional coping reaction to an experience of helplessness and loss of control. Having said that, if there is no reduction in the levels of guilt over time, seek help.

 

Rule #9 –

Time alone is not the same as loneliness.

Sometimes, it is important to take time alone, catch your breath, and distance yourself from social interactions. This is not the same as going into a state of lonely seclusion, disconnecting from sources of support, and refusing help.

The first option restores a state of resourcefulness.  The second option depletes.

Make sure to be aware of the ongoing states of loneliness. When you find yourself in such an ongoing state, reach out to someone and ask for help.

If you feel you cannot shift out on your own, ask someone you trust to keep an eye on you and reach out to help you shift.

 

Rule #10 –

This is the time to learn to lean on others, receive help, and be supported.

This does not mean you are helpless or dependent. It means you are smart and resourceful.

There is a lot of help out there, you just need to be willing to see it.

Some of these resources will be free; others will have a fee. Some will come in the form of people close to you and some in the form of professionals.

Don’t wait to fall apart or come undone at the seams before you ask for help.

And, if you are struggling with rule #9, you can always find someone to help you find a good place and time where you can have some alone time.

 

Rule #11 –

No one is walking in your shoes but you.

You will meet people who have been through similar things or went through the same thing with you or know someone who has lived next door to someone who has been through the same thing.

They will offer you their opinions, advice, tips, ideas, insights, perspectives, and words of subjective experience and wisdom.

Observe what they offer and ask yourself if it is a good fit and will serve you well at the moment before choosing whether to accept or not.

Whether you have been in this place before or this is the first time you are experiencing something of this nature and scale, remember that you are the only one walking in your shoes, which means that you are the one who knows what can serve you well.

Also, avoid self-proclaimed profits who claim to know how things will turn out AND people who think and speak in two colors: black & white.

 

Rule #12 –

Information is as empowering as it is toxic.

Information can alleviate anxiety, calm down your nervous system, and help you regain a state of resourcefulness. It can also throw you into an imbalanced hyper-activation mode, overwhelming your system and creating a depleting loop.

Pay attention to the amount, nature, and quality of the information you consume, whether through news media, social media, or conversations.

Part of the nature of trauma is that it draws us to consume more and more information under the illusion that the more we know, the more control we have, and it draws others to try and give us as much of it as possible, using the same premise.

This type of information consumption arouses our nervous system, giving us a false sense of resourcefulness and control. This can easily turn into a toxic additive loop that ends up sending us deeper into the depleting vortex of trauma.

 

Rule #13 – 

Becoming resourceful in times of a massive crisis is easier said than done.

Yet, as impossible as it may feel, it must be done.

The best way is to ensure the resources you need are available (within your reach or can easily be brought to you) and simple to use.

Always start with these basic needs:

• Food – healthy and balanced.
• Water – make sure you remain hydrated.
• Rest (start with resting your body and move to your heart, mind, and soul).
• Human connection – through physical touch and a sense of belonging.
• Grounding – preferably through the body and nature.
• Movement – move your body as much as possible without stressing, straining, or hurting it.
• Emotional expression. See rules #4, #8 and #15.

 

Rule #14 –

Two energetic forces will be at play as you move from the crisis to a more balanced, resilient, and resourceful state:

1. A repelling force that pushes you away from the trauma and the crisis.
2. A pulling force that pulls you towards balance, resilience, and resourcefulness.

Here is what you need to know about these two forces:

1. They are neither good nor bad. They are energetic forces that need to serve your healing and growth.
2. They have nothing to do with an optimistic or pessimistic point of view.
3. They have nothing to do with reactive or proactive responses.
4. The force at play at any given moment is the one that will draw your attention and focus.
5. Your energy (life energy/chi) will always follow your attention and focus.

Right after a crisis, the energy tends to focus on the repelling force as it is the time for emergency survival action plans. At some point, it will need to start shifting and integrating the pulling force so you can start holding more perspectives and complexity.

The ability to hold both is how we create a solid infrastructure that will safely hold healing and growth.

 

Rule #15 – 

In times of crisis, our emotions overflow into our existing relationships, aggravating old and challenging dynamics and creating new ones.

Don’t assume the other side knows and understands what you feel and need.

Don’t assume others aren’t affected by your crisis.

Don’t judge other people’s coping mechanisms.

This is the time to practice softness, forgiveness, flexibility, and communication in an intentional way.

 

Rule #16 –

During a crisis, including a Health/medical crisis, we tend to check our physical body for any existing wounds, thinking that if there are no life-threatening physical wounds, there are no vital injuries.

In reality, nothing could be further from the truth.

It’s important to remember that we also have an emotional body. On that level, our emotional heart tissue is injured every time we go through a crisis.

This unique emotional tissue takes time to heal.

As it is healing, we must avoid self-judgment or rigidness and practice self-compassion and softness.

 

Rule #17 – 

I believe in miracles.

I believe they are manifestations of goodness, humanity, and love, and we often tend to overlook them, expecting a spectacular Hollywood version of what a miracle should look like.

Set an intention to notice the daily, ordinary, AND extraordinary miracles that come in various shapes, sizes, and colors.

They can be anything from waking up in the morning in your own bed, being able to eat when you are hungry, having the freedom to move, being safe from violence and abuse, seeing nature, enjoying music and food, spending time with loved ones, listening to children playing or the birds chirping, to taking a deep breath and many more things.

 

Rule #18 –

Baby steps are not just for babies. They are a powerful coping and healing strategy.

Baby steps require that we be compassionate with ourselves. Sometimes, we will need to take baby steps on the path to self-compassion.

Here are five self-compassion baby steps:

1. Give your kind words of acknowledgment during the day for things done.
2. Gently pat yourself on the shoulder for doing what you can.
3. Surround yourself with love.
4. Give yourself permission to receive support, help, love, and gestures of kindness.
5. Focus on exhaling and let out a sigh (give yourself permission to make it a loud one) it regulates the nervous system.

 

Rule #19 –

There is no timeline for this journey. It’ll take as much as it’ll take.

And while it’s taking the time it needs, it’s important to remember that

1. Our heart holds the compass, and it’s important to listen to it.
2. There are no “positive” or “negative” emotions – there are only human emotions, and all of them are natural human responses to crises.
3. Feeling sadness, fear, frustration, and despair does not mean we are weak – on the contrary, when we allow ourselves to feel them, we become stronger.
4. We all become fragile when navigating through times of crisis. That is part of what it means to be human.
5. Giving ourselves permission to “break” means allowing ourselves to heal and grow.

 

Rule #20 –

There are no rules!

• There is no one true absolute truth, no “one right way,” and no “one size fits all.”
• The right path to recovery is the one we create for ourselves. It is different from one person to another.
• Change comes gradually, and at times, it will feel like a dance where we take two steps forward and one step back.
• Stick to what’s best for you.
• Be compassionate and forgiving to yourself.
• Be patient with the pace at which you move.
• Focusing on your well-being and what you need is not selfishness; it is a commitment to your own well-being. And healing.
• GOD is in the little things.
• Ask for help when you need it.

 

I encourage you to use this post as a template to crete your own road map as you learn to navigate crisis in your life in a way that honors who you are and what is important for you.

 

Feel free to reach out if you have quesiton or want to share thought and feelings.

shiri@h-mci.com